Into the Wild Spaces

Hey Firefox: your "Well, this is embarrassing" is embarrassing. Quit being snarky and fix your browser. I don't need cutsie apologies, I need working code. It's been a while since the Mozilla Foundation seemed capable of producing any; I only keep you around because Chrome and Opera are even worse at this point.

Hey Apple: your artificial limitations are annoying. FrontRow should be perfectly capable of reading videos off of networked drives and refuses to only because your geniuses decided to prohibit it. Sadly the trend of your software in this area is worsening, which casts a real shadow over my impression of your stuff.

Hey Android: Lollipop seemed like a good idea until it basically made my Nexus 7 unusable. It's perfectly good hardware now running and obligatory update that makes it junk. Kitkat was lovely on this device. How about giving users the option to NOT update, mmmm? Oh, and Material Design is an exercise in masturbation. Quit the wanking and fix your OS.

Hey Plex: Oh, your app can't seem to find my NAS sitting at the static IP address it's used for at least two years, on a network uncongested by any other traffic? That's your problem, not mine. I didn't buy Plex because I wanted access to your shitty, ersatz television channels, I want to stream videos I ripped myself and stored on a personal network. Do a better job of searching for my server, and do it without requiring me to register at your stupid fucking website, or I'll replace you in a heartbeat. If I can ping it, you're not looking hard enough. Oh, and take your social/sharing circle jerk and shit-can it. All I want is to watch a fucking video.

Hey Kontact, Kmail, KPIM, Akonadi, and Nepomuk: Jesus Christ, I don't even know where to start. Every time you update I install the new version, hoping this is the time you have gotten it right. And every time this whole abortion of a software suite overwhelms me with the stink of amateurishness and fail. We've been doing email for decades, people. It shouldn't be this hard to get a working email client going without the stench of burning rice in the background.

Hey KDE Plasma Desktop: you crash more often than a 5 year old driving a race car. Your "Activities" are useless, and the one feature that would make them actually useful - customizable panels per activity - are a feature request that has gone unanswered for over three years, despite lots of folks asking for it or recognizing it as a useful feature. And take your not-useful widgets (web browser widget? red bouncy ball? What the FUCK?) and choke on them, along with a bag of dicks.

Hey Google: Got news for you, guys - you're being evil. And your continual interface rewrites to things like Gmail mean my mom and dad can't use you. Finding out my desktop web browser knows where I am on earth because my cellphone ratted me out makes me want to trash my Android phone and get a Blackberry. At least that device knew how to keep a secret.

Hey Evernote: I swear to God, the next time you ask me to confirm the email address I seem to have to confirm every 7 days, I will uninstall you. And no, for Chrissakes, I do not want to fucking go Premium. At this rate, and I don't want anything at all from the likes of you.

OK, who made me happy? Simple things that have focused on their technical merits instead of social wankery, Search Engine Optimzation, or Web 2.0: the mutt email client, the ChromeOS shell app, the emacs text editor, and the NTTPReader Usenet app. Aquamail held its own admirably, and WhatsApp sparkled with competence and unobtrusive functionality. But the rest of you sadsacks, GET IT TOGETHER!

And the rest of you, GET OFF MY LAWN.

OK, rant mode off. //pours glass of scotch.